Thinking About Her

You know guys, I really got to thinking the other night while talking to my mom. I need y'all to know that me and my mom are best friends. I tell her absolutely everything. And she told me that I need to write this down or something. So what better place to go than to my sanctuary. I know I say that this blog is for people to not feel alone, that they can come to me if they want. But it's more than that. I look forward to each Monday because I love writing. Even if you guys don't actually read this stuff, I like writing it and putting it out there. It makes me happy to update. I look forwards to it. I rely on it because it also helps me get my stress off my shoulders. I don't know what it is, but there's a difference in writing what you feel in a journal, than putting it on a blog. It seems a lot easier and better for me. But anyway, what this post is about is something that has been on my mind for a long while and I need to get it off my chest. There was this girl that I was with for almost a year. I know that to some people, that's not a long time. And I know that I am young. But I know what love is. I felt it with her. And I still feel it now, even though we aren't together anymore. I know I may be getting my hopes up with what is going to be said in this post, but it's my honest, true feelings. And who knows? Maybe she will see this. And then it won't be a secret anymore. I don't care. I have been in 3 relationships since I have been with her. And no matter what I did, it always ended up going back to her. I didn't notice it until my past relationship. I found myself dreaming about her one night and after that, I couldn't get her out of my head. She is the love of my life. And I let her go. But she is younger than me, and I respect that she needs to explore things so she can find her path in life. But I love her and it dawned on me that absolutely everything that I do in my life, things always end up with me thinking about her. She is everything to me and I am willing to wait for her. Until she's out of high school, until she finds a day where she may need me, until she decides she wants me there. I know she may never need me. I know she may never want me again. But I don't want to think about that unless I end up at that road. I will wait for her forever if I need to. I love her. And for now, I will be here for her in any way I can. Whether it be friend, girlfriend, or just someone she use to know. I will always be there for her, even if she doesn't know it. I just hope with all my heart that no matter what she chooses to do, I hope she can finally find that happiness she so longs for. She deserves nothing but the best in everything. I hate that she has to go through so much. I hate that the world has to be so cruel to someone so beautiful and pure. My life may have not been long so far since I'm only 19, but that girl has been the biggest highlight of my life. She showed me what that feeling was. I've never been as happy as I was than when I was by her side. I crave that feeling again. And I hate that she is being hurt by these other people. I want her back by my side. I want her back in my arms. I want nothing else than to protect her from all the hate in the world. I want nothing else than to make her smile and laugh because the world seems less hateful and a little more pure every time she does. She can be cranky at times and she has her little flaws. But they are hardly flaws to me. They are things that make up who she is. And no matter what, I always loved her, even when she was mad. I love every single thing about her. I just with we could talk a little more now. But she's so busy anymore. I worry and she is so far away right now. I wish I could be closer because then I could help take care of her if she needed help. I know what love is. I have fallen in love with that girl more times than I can count because every time I see her of hear her voice, I fall in love with her all over again. I just wish that one day, she will need me again. Because as soon as she says that she does, I will not hesitate to go to her. I want her back. More than anything. She's my once in a life time girl. And I am never going to let go. I will still live my life, but I will wait in the process. Because there is nothing that I have ever wanted so much.