Not Home

You ever somewhere that you once considered home, and feel the complete opposite feeling you should have at a home? I went somewhere this weekend and I should still be able to consider it one of my homes. But I didn't feel like I belonged there. That place doesn't feel like home to me anymore. And I know why too. The last time I was there, everyone got into a big fight and I was technically the one to start it even though it wasn't my fault. So this time, things were tense. I broke down in tears on the phone with my mom and boyfriend at least a dozen times over the weekend because I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to go home. But I knew I couldn't. I had to last the weekend because there was no where else I could go. This weekend was the worst weekend ever for me. And I honestly don't want to go back for a while. I got most of my things this time and brought them back home with me because I wasn't going back. I don't know if I will. I know it may be a bit confusing, but I explained it the best I could. I kept going from angry at everyone, to being so emotional that I broke down in tears. The only thing that kept me going through the weekend was talking to my mom and boyfriend all weekend. And I know I shouldn't be caught up on it, but it kills me to not want to go back there. That place should be my other home. But I despise being there now. That place is not home. And I keep thinking about that. More than I should. I hate this. It makes me feel terrible, but in the end, it's their fault that I feel this way. I just keep getting hung up on this whole thing. Anyway... As always. If you guys have any questions or comments you'd like to ask or share, just leave it in the comments. Y'all have a great week.

Mixed Feelings and Confusion

Okay. So a lot has happened in the last week. Where I didn't know what to talk about last week, then my rant in the middle of the week. But this week, I have so much to talk about. Okay. So a few weeks ago, a really good friend of mine, Dom, brought his best friend over so we could meet him. He fit in immediately. Everyone gets along great and it's a lot of fun when he around. One day, his friend, Goldie, went to the lake with me, Momma and Cyn. He told me that he use to like me. Now, our situation is kind of complicated to explain, but I will do my best. I went to two different high schools. My freshman and 'sophomore' years were at one school. And Goldie was a friend of a few of my friends, but he had his own group of friends. So we didn't know each other directly. I moved the end of my 'sophomore' year to another one. Okay. So yeah. Me and Goldie indirectly sort of kinda, but not really, knew each other. And at the lake, he told me he use to have a crush on me. Well, we went to karaoke last Friday night and he ended up kissing me. And I don't know what I felt. I didn't have any negative emotions towards it, but I didn't really feel anything special by it. He told me that he still has a crush on me and that he likes me. Yesterday, Momma went and picked him up and he spent the day with us and went out to eat with us. We all had a lot of fun. In the car, he held my hand and I leaned on him. When we took him home, he gave me a small peck. I like spending time with him. I want to be there for him as a really good friend (can't be best friend because he already has one). And I really enjoy being around him. I didn't mind it when he kissed me. So, I figured why not? I am willing to give him a chance. Now, nothing is official, but it's still worth writing about. Anyways. In another note, today is my absolute best friend's birthday, as well as my grandmother's. So I'd like to wish Grandma and Josh a very happy birthday. Love you both. To everyone who reads my blog, feel free to ask any questions or make any comments on any of my posts. I'd like to see if my blog is really working and all, or is it all just a waste of time. Alright guys. Well, until next week. Have a wonderful week.

LBGT is not a sin

Hey guys. I know it's not Monday, but I watched a video on FaceBook and it really hit me deep. So I felt the need to make a post about it. I know I could easily wait until next Monday to post, but what if next Monday is too late for someone? Why wait to say the words that I can say now. But the video that I saw was about this group of men who dressed up as women to go to a parade. And as soon as they got there, police officers told them that they were not allowed to march in the parade and dance. That was the whole reason they went. Do despite what the police told them, they walked in a line and danced and marched BESIDE the parade. As they do this, they are hated upon verbally by many people. But they kept on dancing and refused to back down because they believed in fighting what they believe in. And when they were getting ready to leave, they were stopped by a woman and a little girl. They gave them their support. This particular case was not anyway violent (with the exception of the verbal abuse) but I know that people who do this same thing, could very well end up dead. I hate to think about it, but it is true. People are hated upon, yelled at, beat up, not accepted into society, and some even end up dead. If you don't like it, don't be around it at your will. Don't go to a parade or something just to hate and protest against them. When that stops, all these parades will stop and everyone could be happy. Why is it that society hates people who are different than them? And if you think about it, no one is different at all. The only difference is the preference of sex/gender. I don't understand it because these people have done absolutely nothing wrong. I admit, I myself am a bisexual. That's just how I am. And I have to hide it from most of my family because they don't think it's right. They say that it is a sin and that I will die and go to hell because of it. That if you are LGBT, you go to hell. If you support it, you go to hell. If you are friends with someone who is, you go to hell. If you are family with it, you go to hell. I don't agree with it at all. They say that it's against the Bible. Well honey, if that's how your God is, then I don't want to be a part of it. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in God. I believe that there is that higher power. But I have a hard time believing in a book that was written by man. A book that has been translated so many times over in so many different languages from a language that was so long ago, it is dead now. We can never hope of understanding that language now. I just don't see why, if God has our whole life planned out before we are even born, and he loves all of his children, no matter if they sin or not, then why is the Bible so contradictory to that? Why is it that these people who are "different" have to hide who they truly are just because they live in fear of being attacked either verbally or physically? It shouldn't be that way. Anyway, What I was getting at by this post is that, you shouldn't have to hide. Stand up to it. You should be you, no matter what anyone feels about it. If they can't accept it, they don't need to be in your life. They aren't worth keeping around if they are going to judge you on who you truly are. But no matter what, you can't stop fighting for what you believe in. You are strong enough not to give up on your beliefs and keep going. I truly believe that. If you were curious about the video that I mentioned at the beginning of this post, here is the link. ===> https://www.facebook.com/ST0PH0M0PH0BIA/videos/417472738458409/

Q&A Time

Hey guys. Honestly, I don't know what to write about. I have been racking my brain to find something to write about tonight but I can't come up with a topic. So let's make tonight be a Q&A night. If anyone who reads this blog has any questions, just leave a comment and I will answer it. It can be any question at all, I will answer it. Questions that are left in the comments will be answered in next week's update. Anyway, love you guys, thanks for reading, and hopefully I'll have a topic next week.

Thinking About Her

You know guys, I really got to thinking the other night while talking to my mom. I need y'all to know that me and my mom are best friends. I tell her absolutely everything. And she told me that I need to write this down or something. So what better place to go than to my sanctuary. I know I say that this blog is for people to not feel alone, that they can come to me if they want. But it's more than that. I look forward to each Monday because I love writing. Even if you guys don't actually read this stuff, I like writing it and putting it out there. It makes me happy to update. I look forwards to it. I rely on it because it also helps me get my stress off my shoulders. I don't know what it is, but there's a difference in writing what you feel in a journal, than putting it on a blog. It seems a lot easier and better for me. But anyway, what this post is about is something that has been on my mind for a long while and I need to get it off my chest. There was this girl that I was with for almost a year. I know that to some people, that's not a long time. And I know that I am young. But I know what love is. I felt it with her. And I still feel it now, even though we aren't together anymore. I know I may be getting my hopes up with what is going to be said in this post, but it's my honest, true feelings. And who knows? Maybe she will see this. And then it won't be a secret anymore. I don't care. I have been in 3 relationships since I have been with her. And no matter what I did, it always ended up going back to her. I didn't notice it until my past relationship. I found myself dreaming about her one night and after that, I couldn't get her out of my head. She is the love of my life. And I let her go. But she is younger than me, and I respect that she needs to explore things so she can find her path in life. But I love her and it dawned on me that absolutely everything that I do in my life, things always end up with me thinking about her. She is everything to me and I am willing to wait for her. Until she's out of high school, until she finds a day where she may need me, until she decides she wants me there. I know she may never need me. I know she may never want me again. But I don't want to think about that unless I end up at that road. I will wait for her forever if I need to. I love her. And for now, I will be here for her in any way I can. Whether it be friend, girlfriend, or just someone she use to know. I will always be there for her, even if she doesn't know it. I just hope with all my heart that no matter what she chooses to do, I hope she can finally find that happiness she so longs for. She deserves nothing but the best in everything. I hate that she has to go through so much. I hate that the world has to be so cruel to someone so beautiful and pure. My life may have not been long so far since I'm only 19, but that girl has been the biggest highlight of my life. She showed me what that feeling was. I've never been as happy as I was than when I was by her side. I crave that feeling again. And I hate that she is being hurt by these other people. I want her back by my side. I want her back in my arms. I want nothing else than to protect her from all the hate in the world. I want nothing else than to make her smile and laugh because the world seems less hateful and a little more pure every time she does. She can be cranky at times and she has her little flaws. But they are hardly flaws to me. They are things that make up who she is. And no matter what, I always loved her, even when she was mad. I love every single thing about her. I just with we could talk a little more now. But she's so busy anymore. I worry and she is so far away right now. I wish I could be closer because then I could help take care of her if she needed help. I know what love is. I have fallen in love with that girl more times than I can count because every time I see her of hear her voice, I fall in love with her all over again. I just wish that one day, she will need me again. Because as soon as she says that she does, I will not hesitate to go to her. I want her back. More than anything. She's my once in a life time girl. And I am never going to let go. I will still live my life, but I will wait in the process. Because there is nothing that I have ever wanted so much.