Living With Panic

I had panic run through me today and I'm just now starting to calm down after feeling it run through me for 3 1/2 hours. Everyone here at home kept asking me if I was okay and if there was anything that they could help me with. And I got to thinking that they don't know what it feels like. Not from my perspective at least. Everyone has panic with one thing or another, but living with panic is something completely different than the normal panic that everyone has. This is my story, my experience with living with panic and how it effects me. I'm not quite sure sure how to explain it, but I'll do my best so others can know how I feel. What I suffer from is panic/anxiety. I get a sudden rush of fear, like if I do or say anything, that it'll be wrong and I'll disappoint everyone. This fear creeps into my whole body. It feels like a heavy tingle. Like I can literally feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Every pore in my being is held with this emence fear. It'll get hard to breath and I'll get real dizzy, so much so that the room will spin and I will see double. But sometimes, instead of getting dizzy, I'll feel off. The edges of my vision gets shadowy. I'll feel a nagging feeling in my stomach and my chest hurts from how hard my heart is pounding. Nothing will feel right, kind of like nothing is real. I can't move and I can't make sense of anything. The only thing I can do is put my earbuds in and ignore the world. It takes a while to calm down even the slightest, but I've found the feeling of security and slight realization in the music and solitude after I calm down some. I'm fine if the music keeps playing and I'm not socializing at all. If I talk to someone right after calming down, that sickening fear begins to come back. That's why I close up when my panic rises. I may not have full-blown attacks every time, but I feel like I'm loosing my grasp on sanity each and every time. This is how living with panic is for me. It can hit me at any given time, often with no knowledgeable reason or trigger. The only triggers I know of is violence that is close to/around me, yelling/screaming, and lots of stress at one time. I'm not sure how living with panic is for others. But for me, it's a living hell.