I'm sorry

I am so sorry that I haven't been posting in the last week. My computer that the school gave me had broken and I had to turn it in. Also, I'm getting ready for exams since school is about to end. I meant to update every day, if not every couple days. Again, I am so sorry! Please forgive me everyone.

What I Like

Okay guys. So you know a lot about my past now. This post will be about what I like and what I like to do. I'll post pictures later on for you to refer back to after you read this. First off, I love sweets. Mostly lollipops. My favorite flavor is Watermelon, then Cherry. I also love to cuddle and I love sleeping with teddy bears. I also really love hugs. In my free time, I like to watch anime or play games (I'm an otaku and a gamer). Some of my favorite animes are Sword Art Online, Attack on Titan, Nura: Rise of the Yokai clan, Ghost Hunt, and others like that. Some of the games I like to play is World of Warcraft, Five Nights at Freddy's, and games on the PS3 or Xbox. When I'm not playing games or watching anime, I'm almost always listening to music when I'm not around others. I also like to draw, read, write poetry, write short stories, roleplay, edit pictures, and more. For my roleplays, I edit pictures to create my OCs (own characters). I rarely ever use a picture that hasn't been edited in some way. I draw pictures from anime characters, gaming characters, fairies, people, and more. A lot of my pictures are requests, but I always have fun doing them and I usually get them done fairly quickly. The most time it has taken me to work on a picture (pencil/colored pencil) is about 2 hours, though I can finish a picture within 20 minutes as well. It depends on how difficult it is or how busy I am. I have written stories on fan-fiction and stuff like that, but I have been working on an actual story for a while now and anyone who has read what I have so far thinks it's pretty cool. The pictures I edit now are all anime characters, but I use to edit normal pictures as well. I read a lot of manga and fiction. The book series that is currently my favorite is Maximum Ride, written by James Patterson. It is fun to read (both the novel and manga version) and the story line is amazing. I recommend it to anyone who likes a good fiction story. Well, anyway. That's all for now. I will have the pictures I promised in the next post. Love you all!

Quote #2

"As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better."
~Anonymous

Quote #1

"I don't like the terms 'good person' or 'bad person' because it's impossible to be entirely good to everyone or entirely bad to everyone. To some, you are a good person, while to others, you are a bad person."
~Armin Arlelt (Attack On Titan)

Thanks guys!

It has been exactly a week since I started this blog. This isn't a post about my life, but a thank you post. Because you guys have shared my blog some with others, I have 101 viewers right now. Now that may not seem like a lot, but to me it is. I am happy about it because this is my first blog. People say that the first 100 and the first 1,000 viewers are the best. Please continue to follow my blog and continue to share it with others. Maybe my blog can help someone somewhere. That is my goal. Anyway, thank you again guys! As always, feel free to comment on anything or ask me any questions. Email me anytime or comment on my posts. Either way is fine with me. I love you all! :)

2 year school miracle

Okay. So I was going to save my school story for later on, but I can't think of anything to write about today. So here is my school story. Because of my first surgery, my body was weak and my back couldn't be exposed to many things. I also couldn't wear pants for a while because of how low my scar goes. But I started my freshmen year of high school on the online school, K-12. Everyone says its amazing and that they recommend it, but I do not. I failed all the classes I took over K-12 because they lost the work I sent in either the sending period, or after they received it. I started back to regular school, but they had a teacher come out to the house to give me my work and stuff. I still failed my freshmen year. What was suppose to be my sophomore year (my 2nd freshmen year), I started off still taking the antibiotics in pill form. When I finished with my medicine, my immune system was really low, so I got sick really easily and quite often, so I missed a lot of school. I failed again that year, failure due to absences. A lot of stuff happened and I was forcibly taken form my mom and was sent to live with my dad in Conway, SC. It was only a few hours away, but it still killed me to not be able to see my mom every time I walk into a room (will talk about that in the next post). Anyway, I went to school again for the 3rd time as a freshmen when I was suppose to be a junior. My health was back to normal and my back was healed, so I was able to attend school regularly. My plan was to work hard and keep my grades up and do both freshmen and sophomore years work in that year and just be one year behind instead of three. When second semester started, I had to have a meeting with my dad, step mom and my school councilor. This was planned, so I didn't think twice about it. She explained that I succeeded my goal in doing my first two years of high school worth of work. I finished enough work to be considered a sophomore by the second quarter in the first semester. The third quarter started the second semester and I was then considered a junior. We weren't expecting it. I succeeded and passed my expectation. I was thrilled. I finished my third year of high school as a junior, just as I was suppose to. I was where I was suppose to be. But we can only take 8 classes in the school year, and I needed 9 credits. I was one class short of what I needed. I gave up my freedom that next summer and I dedicated it to taking an online course to get that missing credit. I chose my class to be Physical Education since I wasn't able to take gym due to my back. I passed it and I started my fourth year of high school as a senior. It was a year quicker than what we had planned, but I was where I was suppose to be. I am still currently in school and I graduate on June 3, 2015. I will graduate when I am suppose to and I accomplished the last two years with A-B Honor Roll. I am still maintaining good grades (though they drop every now and then, but I always bring them back up). I technically finished my schooling in just a 2 years time span. I never thought I would be able to accomplish something like this, but I did. It proves to people that anything can be achieved with hard work and dedication.

Daddy issues

I'm going to leave the part after my surgeries for a later post. Right now, let's go a little farther into my past. When I said that my mom wasn't able to take care of us and my dad worked a lot, that was true. But you see, there's more to the story than that. My dad had really bad anger issues. He still does, but they aren't as bad as what they use to be. He yelled a lot, hit walls, threw stuff, and threatened me, my mom, and my little sister. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of that man. Maybe that's one reason why I'm so obedient now-a-days. Who can tell for sure? Anyway, He very rarely ever put his hands physically on us because he still loved us. But that didn't stop the yelling and throwing things. I was terrified, yes. But only in the back of my mind. I have always been like this, putting others before myself. I don't mean to, it's kind of like my mind goes into overdrive and my emotions all shut down, all except one. My protective nature always increased. I never once cared what he did to me, as long as my younger sister was safe. That's all I cared about. Always have. Me and my sister don't get along and I honestly think she hates me. But if she needs me or if she's scared, I will always be there. I will always be the one to protect her. Just as I always have. When daddy would have his 'flips', I pulled my sister into the room and I held her close. If my dad got mad and we couldn't leave the room, I kept her behind me. I was never going to let him touch her. I still don't. One night (it was just a few years ago) my dad really flipped. I don't know what it was about, but I heard him and my mom yelling in the kitchen. I went to go get my sister, who was in her room. Her room was closer to the kitchen and I wasn't going to let him get to her. I got her in my room which was on the farthest room from the kitchen in the house. That night, my dad tried to kill my mom. That night, three phone calls were made to the police. That night, I called the cops on my own dad... But after that night, he hasn't blown up like that. Yeah he still yells, but he will never hurt anyone else. I don't know what set him off that night and I don't know why he went to such extremes. But one thing is for sure. I'm pretty sure that night made him better. He's not as mean. And I can talk to him. For the first time in my entire life, I have a father/daughter relationship with him. I never thought that I would have that. I'm greatful for it. Now, those who are reading this and think my dad is a horrible person, see it the way I do. I call the person he was back then 'bad daddy' and he doesn't care. He knows what he did was wrong. And he will never do it again. Who he is now is just 'daddy'. And I love that. He's not bad no more. He's better now. He's good :)

Surgeries

After the car crash I talked about in my previous post, we found that I had scoliosis. For those who don't know what that is, it's when the spine is curved. It's not uncommon, but in most cases, back braces can fix it and it isn't bad. When they found mine, we had no idea that I had it and no one knew how long I had it. My spine was curved into a backwards 'S'. It curved over my right shoulder blade and my left hip. Both curves were at least 60 degrees. That was just when they found it. The doctors knew that a brace wouldn't fix it, so they didn't even try. My birthday is May 27. My surgery was May 31, 2011, four days after I turned 14 years old. I was in the surgery for 10 1/2 hours and when I came out, I had a titanium rod on each side of my spine (2 total) and 52 bolts and screws holding it in place. Being face down for that long, there were risks. I could have come out blind, deaf, not able to speak. There was even a chance that I might not be able to walk again because they were messing with my spine. Well, I am able to talk and hear and see. I can still walk just like everyone else. My senses actually enhanced. I have great hearing and I have 20/20 vision. I stutter, but my mom says I always have. Nothing really changed. Except for one thing. I had amnesia. I can't remember anything from before my surgery except for a few things. I'm almost 4 years out now, and I still can't remember much. It drives me crazy. But none of this is bad. Not yet at least. Not until legions began to appear on my scar (runs from the base of my neck to the top of my tail bone, the entire length of my back). My mom panicked. She called my doctor and we had to go get tests done. These legions kept appearing along my scar for close to a month. Momma tried to keep my scar clean and she would help the legions to drain (green ooze came out). There were days when I would sit on her bed for hours and she would fill towels up until they were heavy with the liquid from the legions. We were on our way to the hospital on June 18th to get some blood tests done when my mom got a call from my surgeon. He told us that the mersa kit came back positive. Mersa is an infection that could kill someone if left in their body or attached to something vital, in my case, my spine. His next sentence got me terrified, "She has to go back into surgery tomorrow." We only had one days notice. We weren't expecting that. I kept blaming everyone, wondering why this had to happen to me. The next morning, we went to the hospital and I went back into surgery, this time only being 6 1/2 hours. The mersa had in fact attached itself to my spine and they had to scrap it off. I was in the hospital for another week before going home on IV antibiotics for 6 months, 3 times a day every day. I also had a drain at the base of my scar to help the rest of the infection get out of my body. When the 6 months finished, the drain and pick line (the IV in my right arm, had a line that went all the way to my heart) came out. Then I was on pill antibiotics, 3 times a day every day. I was lucky to survive all that. Especially since I was the first in 2 years of my surgeons patients to have developed mersa. But I did survive. And yes, I still have some complications and pain some days, I am still fighting,

Car wrecks

I'd be lying if I said I liked riding in a car. Truth is, I'm terrified. Unless I'm not feeling good or just plain exhausted, I can't even relax long enough to take a nap. I was in a car accident when I was little. It was raining, pouring so hard that you couldn't see very far in front of you even with your wipers on. You could only see the tail lights of the car in front of you, but it was still hard to see anything. My mom and dad had gotten into a fight and my mom took me and my younger sister and my younger sister with her to go to a friends house, but little did we know what we wouldn't make it there. We were in the passing lane at the time. The car hit a puddle and we hydroplaned... My mom luckily got control of the car when we got into the other lane. But then we hit another puddle. We went to the side and the car hit the side rail 3 times. Me and my younger sister was fine, I think my mom had whiplash, but I don't remember. A guy luckily saw us crash and he stopped and came into our car to sit with us until the ambulance came. It was nice of him and it was nice to have someone else there. It made things seem a little better. I remember the paramedics ask if the man was momma's husband, but he said no. That's all I remember of that car accident, but it traumatized me. I hate riding in rain and I am terrified of storms because of it too. There was another accident I was in when I was 13 years old. We were on our way to the lake during the summer when the back passenger tire blew out. For a second, we didn't know what happened. At least not until the car started going into the median of the interstate... It was the section of the median where it was a dip, a hill. I don't know exactly what happened since as soon as we started to go off the road, I grip the edge of the seat and I closed my eyes. I didn't open my eyes back up until a minute after the car stopped. My vision was blurry for a minute, and I found it hard to breath some. But soon, I saw that the windshield was cracked bad and there was red on it. I instantly started calling for momma and she said she was fine, that it was just her drink. My sister was beside me, but I couldn't look at her for a minute. The guy that was driving (my moms now ex) was pinned to his seat by the steering wheel. He broke it off and climbed through the window and limped up the hill to get help. Everything is fuzzy, but I still remember a sharp pain I felt in my side. I had a cut on my left shoulder, but it wasn't too deep. But I wasn't to move any to know what the pain in my side was. The guy was able to get a few people to help us, including a nurse who was off duty and saw the wreck. When the medics arrived (i think it was 2 or 3 ambulances i don't remember), they checked the driver and my mom before asking me and my sister if we were okay since we were in the back seat. They got my mom out of the car (which was actually an explorer) and then they got my sister out. I was the last one to get out since I was in the back driver seat. I was terrified and I was hurt. When they finally got me out and up the hill, I was in shock. I learned later that momma was the worst one off with a broken clavicle, either broken or cracked ribs (don't remember which one) and bad whiplash. My sister only came out with scraps and bruises and I was glad for that. I, however, had a cut on my shoulder and a rather large gash in my left side from the seat belt. My mom told me that the doctor said I was lucky to be alive. The seat-belt only came 4 mm from cutting into one of my main arteries. I could have died that day. If I had even moved wrong, I would have died. But I'm still here. I'm now paranoid of sitting in the back driver seat now because of it. I have scars where those cuts were now. But people say that behind every tragedy or disaster, a miracle is born. My mother feels that that car wreck, as bad as it was, was a good thing for us. Because when they gave me an X-ray at the hospital, they found that my spine was curved. I had scoliosis and we never even knew. If not for that accident, we may have never known about it. This particular point in my lift showed me that no matter how bad a situation is, it happened for a reason. Whether that reason is to find something that could kill you, or even just to teach you something about yourself. Everything happens for a reason. So no matter how bad something seems, don't just give up on everything. Because you never know how good things may get afterwards.

Learn a little about me

People are always wondering how I am always happy with all that I go through. When they learn my story, it makes them even more curious. I won't tell you how I am able to stay happy until later on. I want to know what y'all think first. Anyway, I didn't have an easy childhood. My mom was over 500 lbs and my dad worked a lot. I have a little sister who is 4 1/2 years younger than me. With my mom unable to move around much and my dad not home much, I had to step up as the oldest kid. I had to grow up too quick. Don't get me wrong, I didn't have to cook and I was still able to hang out with friends. But things were still hard. We didn't have a lot of money, momma and daddy fought a lot. And even if I was still able to have fun, I didn't have the luxury of having an actual childhood. Not one with both parents, not the happiest one. But I still feel like that helped me to be who I am now. Even though I'm only 17, I have made more grown up decisions than anyone my age should. I'm mature, I don't go off to a lot of parties with friends. I have a lot of friends who I hold dear and love very much, but I am different than them. I have gone through more in my 17 (almost 18) years of living than some people will go through their entire life. I'm not perfect. I haven't lived a perfect life. I don't have a perfect mind. But what I do have is a will. A will and a self determination that will get me anywhere in life I want to go. I won't give up and I won't let anyone beat me at my own game. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am me. And I am not ashamed of letting people know who I am. As I have said before, this blog was created so people can know my story. My life so far. I want to show others that it's okay to be yourself. It's okay be to scared, and to cry. And most importantly, that it's not okay to give up. Because that just means that you have let whatever has you down win. You can't let them win. This is your life. You game. Live the way you want and play by your own rules. Only you can determine your destiny. :)