Merry Christmas Everybody!

Hey guys. Sorry for posting so late but everything's been so heptic lately. I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and I hope that everyone had a good time. If you are going through something and you didn't have a good time or if something is happening in your life that makes everything seem wrong, keep your head up. I know it's hard now. The year 2015 is almost at a close. And with the year coming to an end, it's time to put what happened this year in the past. Start over with the new year. Make new friends, have new laughs, find new loves. But just like every year, something bad will happen. Just know that no problem is permanent and everything will always get better. It always gets worse before it gets better. And if you're reading this and thinking, "it's been worse and worse and it will never get better" then you're wrong. For some people, it will take a very long time for things to get better. But you don't have to worry. You may not be having the best time in your life right now, but things will get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even until next year. But if you keep your friends and family close, it will be easier to get through the hard times until it passes. Trust me. It will be worth it in the end. Love you all lots and remember, you are so strong and beautiful. And I know that nothing will ever be able to keep you down. If you don't have anyone to help you in your time of need right now or at any moment in the future, I am here. I have my hand reached out to you and my arms are open wide for you. I will never abandon you. And as long as you have that one person who will not abandon you or turn their back on you, you should know that things will get better one day. I know it's hard, but keep you head held high. Don't let anyone tear you down. Stand up, fight, and keep your grounds. I'm here for you. And I know that there are others there for you as well. Look around. More people care and love you more than you think. Don't let your demons win you over the holidays or at any other time of the year. I'll try to post more over the next couple of days for you guys. If you have any questions or if you just want to talk, you can comment on any of my posts. Or if you want more of a private conversation, send me an email. I will reply and I will do my best to answer any questions you may have and I will help you through anything you might need help getting through if you'll allow me to do so. Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone and have a wonderful New Year. With the new year comes new opportunities :)

Video #1 | Challenge time!

Sorry again

Hey guys. Look. I know I've promised to post more and that I'd do a better job of posting daily and if not, at least weekly. But I got a job. Yup. That's right. I finally got a job and I really enjoy it. It's my  first job and I work at Party City. I couldn't have asked for a better first job. I love it a lot. I was hired seasonal and they got rid of a lot of people after the season ended. But I was one out of three people that they choose to keep. I'm on register now and I have a lot of problems when I get home due to the pain in my back and in my feet. But I'm still getting use to it. I still love it. And there is a lot of other stuff I have been up too. Anyway. I just wanted to apologize for the lack of updates the past few months. I don't have Internet at home now, so my posts may be slow for a while. But when I can, I will do a post from my phone. Love all of y'all and thanks so much for keeping up with my blog. If y'all have any questions about anything or if you just want to chat, comment below or on any of my posts and I will get back to you when I can.

Quote #17

"There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, we'll always be with you."

~Winnie The Pooh

Kaien's Speech

Some people believe that their hearts are in their chests. But lieutenant Kaien from the animated show, Bleach, states the following:
"In my opinion, it's more a state of mind. I believe it's right here. Not inside their bodies at all. I think a heart is created by people when they meet for the first time. A bond that is brought to life between individuals. It's an emotional connection. When you think about something or care about someone. That is where your heart is born. If you were the only person in the world, your heart would have no way of forming, so it just wouldn't be anywhere."
In my opinion, a heart is created by emotions from a bond with another. A parent would say that their heart is in their child(ren). Loved ones would say family. Friends would say friends. They are all bonds. I mean, what's a heart without emotions?

Quote #16

"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it."
~ Edith Warton

Quote #15

"Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up, I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it."
~ Kevyn Aucoin

Quote #14

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched; it must be felt with the heart."
~Helen Keller

Quote #13

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and lead a trail."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote #12

"Look at the sparrows; they do not know what they will do in the next moment. Let us literally live from moment to moment."
~Mahatma Gandhi

SPREAD THE WORD!!!

Hey guys. Quick reminder to tell your friends and family about my blog. As I write this, I currently only have 265 viewers and I hope to continue to bring that number up. I love doing this blog and I love the fact that this many people are reading my blog. It makes me really happy. I feel like I can be myself and when people read my posts, it makes me feel like I matter and that people care and that gives me hope that somewhere, my words are helping someone. So whether you or someone you know are depressed or not, happy or sad, going through a rough patch in your life or having the time of your life, please please please help me to get the word out about this blog. Let's see if just my simply words could possibly save someone's life. I want to help as many people as I can because I know the pain and loneliness they are probably going through. I want them to see that they are not alone. And I want to see if people care for others. So if you care and you want to help me save a life, spread the word. Post the link to my blog on Skype, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever you use. Help me out guys. I would really appreciate it. Anyway, I am going to do some more posts the next couple days about depression, anxiety, self-harm, and other things I have gone through so people know they can come to me and have me understand and help them with going through whatever they are. I will also start posting videos as soon as I'm not sick anymore. I love all of you and I am here if you or anyone else needs me. Once again, spread the word to everyone about my blog. Let's see how much you lovelies can help me :)

I'm back!

Hey guys. I'm back from moving in with my mom. I'm all unpacked and am getting settled in. It's kind of hard getting along with my sister after so long of living with her, but I think that we can eventually sort things out. I'm trying to get a job now, but it doesn't help that I now have a head cold. My mom blames my allergies, but I am still annoyed by all the sniffling and not being able to talk right and having to take medicine and all. Ugh. Anyway, things are starting to settle down. I'm okay and this is just an update to let all you lovelies know that I'm not dead or anything, haha. But my posts may be a bit scattered and some may be shorter than what I have been doing lately due to me looking for a job and finishing getting settled in. I hope y'all continue to be patient with me and I shall continue to keep you guys updated. Love y'all! ^...^

Moving

So, I just did a post about deciding to stay with my dad for college and that hasn't changed. Although, my plans have changed for a while. So, my plan for after graduation was to take a year off for school in order to work and save up some money for college. My dad lives in Conway, SC and my mom lives in Columbia, SC. Now, Conway is a town. It isn't very big, but I don't live in downtown. Columbia, however, is the capital of the state and my mom lives in the heart of the city. At least three months have passed since graduation now and I have not had any luck finding a job. And yes, I have looked and called multiple places. It also doesn't help that I don't have my licence and no one is around to teach me how to drive my truck in order to get my licence. Also, no one is home so I'm home along all day almost every day and when I'm alone, I think. When I think, I get depressed and then I do stupid stuff. This isn't good for my mental state and it also doesn't help with finding a job. So I decided to give something a try. As much as I honestly hate the city, I will have a better chance at finding a job there. So guess what guys, I'm moving back with my mom after two and a half years. It's kind of a big change, but this is a change that I need. I need a change of pace and a change in scenery. Just a change that will hopefully be good for me. I will try and if it doesn't work out, then I will move back with my dad. This can be a month minimum but about a year tops. If this works out, I will stay with my mom until the next school year and then I will move back with my dad in order to go to college. So I may not post for a few days, a week tops due to me moving. I love y'all. Thank you for all for reading my blog and I hope you guys will be patient with me. I shall be back my lovelies :)

When My Life Flipped Upside-Down

Two and a half years ago, maybe close to three years now, I was forcibly taken from my mom by DSS and was made to live with my dad. Growing up, I was always with my mom and I made a previous post about how my dad use to act. Sure, I was happy to be able to see my dad more often, but it was a very quick and big change that I couldn't have done anything about. Although my mom did her best to take care of us and she would never do anything that wasn't good for us, there was a logical reason for this change that took place. It started with my grandparents splitting up. We were living with them before this happened and it was my grandmother's house. We were only related to her by marriage since my grandfather married her after divorcing my mom's mother. After my grandparents split up, we had to leave the house since it was her house. Luckily, a friend of my mom's (at the time, now an ex friend) was willing to take us in. At that time, my mom and this friend of hers were fighting, but my mom swallowed her pride in order to put a roof over mine and my little sister's heads. But what these friends neglected to tell us was that they hadn't paid their electricity bill. For a while (either a month or 3 months, can't exactly remember) we lived without electricity and water. It was fall at this time too so the house got cold at night. They had a small generator, but they kept it all to themselves. My mom hated this, but we had no where else to go. DSS found out and found my mom unstable to care for me and my younger sister, so we were yanked from her care and placed with my dad. This was 3 weeks before the school year ended. It took a week to have everything transferred to the new school and the new doctors, but that didn't help the fact that the school I was moved to was very advanced compared to the school I was going to. I was completely lost so I just didn't do anything in the classes. It didn't help that I was severely depressed for quite a while. In fact, I stayed depressed until the next school year started. I made new friends and I began to cope with my new life. Things were great for me (give or take how great a life can be for a 16 year old who struggled with depression and separation issues as well as high anxiety) and I was happy. A year passed after me and my sister were taken and my mom was stable enough to take care of us now. My sister chose to move back with her while I decided to stay with my dad in order to continue doing good in school (refer to my "2 year school miracle" post for more information). After graduation, I had to decide whether to continue staying with my dad or move back with my mom. I became very familiar with the town my dad lives in and it became home for me. I decided to stay with my dad again since I love the area he lives in. A lot has happened in two years, but I don't mind. Everyone says "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I agree with that, but I also believe that every obstacle, big or small, can make you stronger. Mental challenges such as deciding which parent to stay with after such a dramatic change could destroy you if you give up completely. If you get stuck with a challenge similar to the one I went through, don't give up or else you will be lost in the darkness. Find something to hold onto, whether it be a memory or a hope for the future. Also, find people who accept and love you and surround yourself with them. As that won't be able to get rid of the pain you feel, it can help fill the void of loneliness, even if just for a little bit. A little bit of love can go a long way :)

My little conversation

This might not interest you guys, but I am told a lot that I don't think the way most people do. That I have my own way of seeing things and wording stuff. For example, I was on the phone with someone from a college and she asked me a question. She asked me, "How do you see yourself responding around your classmates and peers? What kind of relationships do you expect to have?" I had to think about it for a moment, but then I answered in the most honest way I could. I told her that I can't say for certain. No one can truly expect what kind of relationships could come out of new peers. No one can know for certain how things will be or how you act with others. It's because no one can see into the future. Even though we can hope and wish for things to go smoothly and you can hope for amazing friendships from the new people around you, you can't know for sure if it'll happen the way you wish it to be. You never know if you will make friends, enemies, or meet someone you fall in love with. That's the thing about life, the suspense. We can hope for this, pray a situation goes the way you want it to, but the truth is, nothing ever goes the way we want. Nothing is ever promised and nothing is ever given without you working for it. I could have told the woman I spoke to over the phone that I would work with my peers and become friends with them all, but that would be the same as lying. If you don't get along with someone, it's not easy to work with them. And you can try to be friends with them all, but like I said before, things don't always work out the way you plan. All you can do is try. Nothing is promised. Not everything will be good. But at the same time, not everything will be bad either. Trying is one thing, but unless you truly want it and work for it, you won't succeed. Not unless there is a miracle. The woman was speechless when I told her my answer and then she said that my answer had to be the best answer she ever heard. The thing is, I don't think differently. Not really. It's just my views, how I see things. I don't like to lie. And I don't like say things that I can't know for sure will happen. That's when I say stuff like this. It surprises people since I'm only 18 and thinking like this, but that's just how and who I am. What would you have said to the woman if it were you on the phone? Comment below and let me know.

No more? Maybe not. Challenge time

Hey guys. I know I've been posting a lot of quotes and stuff lately and not a lot about my life like this blog was originally for. And that is because I have pretty much told all there is to tell. As life goes on, I will post stuff if I think it can help someone. In the mean time, I will continue to post quotes, pictures, poems, and maybe even some videos if you guys think it might help things out. Sometimes it's easier for someone to hear it from someone instead of just reading it. That has helped me. Anyway, I may still post things about myself, just not about my past a lot. There are still other things I can talk about, I never really run out. How about this. I have a challenge for anyone who is reading this post. Comment on any post I have made in the past, now, or any post in the future. Ask me questions, start a conversation or a debate. Help get me motivated on certain topics. If you have a specific topic you would like for me to post about or anything, comment and let me know. I will do it for you and I can help if you are having problems as well. I may only be 18 and I may not know a lot of stuff, but I know enough. I've been through enough to know what to do in this moment. So comment and complete my challenge for you. Keep in mind, please be respectful of others who may comment on my posts and don't show hate towards them or their views. Everyone has their own opinion and they don't need anyone telling them that their opinion is wrong. Let them say what they will. Have your own opinion as well, whether it agrees or disagrees with someone else's. Just please do not be disrespectful or discriminative towards them. Anyway, I'm curious to see what kind of things you guys comment. Let the games begin ^...^

Happy Birthday

On this day, a very special and close friend of mine turns 16. She means a lot to me and I am hoping that today is good for her. Even though she had school, we are having a party for her this weekend. Comment to show the love and wish her a happy birthday guys ^...^

Happy birthday sweetheart. I hope your day was at least a little special.

Quote #11

"There is no royal road to anything. One thing at a time, all things in succession. That which grows fast, withers as rapidly. That which grows slowly, endures."
~Josiah Gilbert Holland

Quote #10

"Stillness reveals the secrets of eternity. We just have life for now and love as much as we can, and eventually we'll find our way back to where we started."
~Lao Tzu

Picture #2

I drew this not too long ago. I am currently battling depression and I usually put my feelings into either drawings or poems. It is my way of expressing myself. Well, I did this in Charcoal and it didn't take me very long to do. In fact, it only took me about 5-10 minutes to do, give or take a few minutes. This picture doesn't show a face, but it can be easily told where the head is by the position of the arms and hands. If you have ever been depressed or ever just over thought about a certain topic, you know what this position is. It is something you do to try to clear your head or try to think about something else. My caption for this picture is, "Stop the voices in my head." It was inspired by the song Better Off Dead by Sleeping With Sirens. The chorus says:

Maybe I'm better off dead

If I was, would it finally be enough

To shut out all the voices in my head

Maybe I'm better of dead, better off dead

Did you hear a word, hear a word I said

This is not where I belong

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

The song Better Off Dead is one of my favorite songs and even though it is kinda sad and depressing, it is one of the songs that is helping me get through my depression right now. I recommend it to those who haven't heard it before. Anyway, comment below and tell me what you think about this picture. 

Picture #1

I drew this sometime when I was in my freshmen year of high school. It makes me mad that when people look at it and they ask, "Why is she bleeding?" She is not bleeding, that trail is her hair. My thoughts/reasons behind this picture are simple, but it can go pretty deep. If you pay attention, you can see a girl, one big hand, and multiple smaller hands that is holding her. The way I see this is two way. The first way, the girl is being held down by the hands. This symbolizes that others can hold you down and make you feel like you are less than what you actually are. There is mainly one person who makes you feel this way more than others, but there is never just one person. The other way I see this is that the hands are helping the girl up. She is down on the grown, depressed and feeling alone. But the hands symbolize the relationships between her family and friends and they help her off the ground and out of her depression. They are picking her up and helping her. As stated before, the meaning of this picture can go two different ways. But the way you take it, is the way you see it. And the way you see it will also reflect off of your personal life. If you see it as the hands are holding her down, then you feel that others are holding you down and you are depressed, whether you try to hide or not or if you even know it. But if you see it as if the hands are helping to pick her up, then you are coming out of your depression or you are getting through a tough time in your life with some help from others. Comment below and tell me your thoughts on this. How did you see the picture? Does it reflect you and your life? Let me know. :)

Project #2

This was for an Art 2 project I did in oil pastels. The project was meant to involve an eye in some way. I have a big thing about Yin-Yang and I wanted to put that into my project somehow. So I made the actual eye night time and in a forest. I wanted it to look as if the person was looking up through a clearing in the forest during winter. That's why the trees are bare. There are also stars as well as a shooting star and the moon. Below the eye is a sunrise over the ocean, the opposite of the night time in the woods. The top corners shows the color the sky would be if it were dusk, a time between the sunrise and midnight. It seemed right to put it there. My picture was the most vibrant in color and I got a 100% on it. What do you guys think about it? Is there anything that you guys would have changed about it if it were your project?

Project #1

This is Elvira. She was created for a project I had to do for English IV. We read the story, Frankenstein, and we were given to project to create a monster. Not only did we have to make it, we had to give it a purpose as to why and how it was created as well as write a short horror story that includes our character. I decided to make a haunted baby doll. I took an original doll and cut the eye out, took a sharpie and colored its arms, gave it hair, made a dress for it, drew cracks as well as a possessed type of ooze coming out of the corners of the mouth and eyes, then set it on fire. I burned the dress and the skin to make it seem as if the doll had been in a burning house. The story I gave the doll explains that it belonged to a little girl who was very sick and would die at a young age. When she died, it wasn't due to her illness, but due to a house fire that killed her and her family. Her ghost possessed the doll and years of loneliness turned her evil. But this is Elvira. My mom hates her and says that I can't have the doll around if I'm with her since it scares her. She says that it is creepy and that it has survived through fire, so she doesn't want it anywhere near her, haha. What do y'all think about Elvira? Comment below and tell me your thoughts. ^...^

Wanna help?

Hey guys. I know I promised that I would update daily again and I have no real reason for not doing it. In fact, I'm home everyday. I can update whenever I want. I have graduated and I have no luck finding a job because I have absolutely no experience. I know, I know. I'm 18 and I have never worked a day in my entire life. But even though I'm at home and have a computer at very easy access, I can't bring myself to do anything. I watch stuff on Netflix and I edit pictures every now and then, but I haven't been myself. I can't even find an inspiration to write a poem or draw a picture. I can't even finish a picture that has been in my folder for a few weeks now. It's an Eve, the Pokemon. I only have the head and the scruff around its neck shaded. I can't bring myself to finish it no matter what I do. Truth is, I've been going through a lot of changes. Guys, I have a confession. I thought I was a lesbian and I had a girlfriend. I met her in school and she meant the world to me. Still does, just not in the same way. We had a great relationship in school and tried to make it work after I graduated. But it was only meant to be a school thing. We still love each other, we just aren't IN love with each other. We are best friends. Now, a couple weeks ago, I was at my moms for the weekend. It was the weekend of the 15th. An old friend of mine got in touch with me a few days before and he said he would come visit. I hadn't seen him in almost 3 years, but we kinda had a history. He was my middle school crust and I was his. But we never got together. Our Sophomore year of high school, he moved away. It broke my heart and I was distant and cried a lot for mostly 2 weeks after that. I honestly never stopped liking him, but I gave up on my feelings on him because I was afraid he would forget about me. Everyone eventually forgets about me. Over the past few years, I couldn't help the butterflies or the smile I would give when he would send me a random message over Facebook every now and then. I was so happy when he talked to me. But I still gave up on my feelings since we rarely ever talked. Well, I go to my mom's to visit and he drives all the way from North Carolina to visit. He spent the weekend and it was amazing to be able to see each other. His cuddles are the absolute best, let me tell you. And he is so sweet. I had a nightmare and he took care of me. Over those couple days, I felt my pushed away feelings for him rise and I couldn't stop it. Me and my mom talked and cried over a bunch of things. Let me tell you, I have never been good with change. I'm still not. Like I said. I thought I was a lesbian. Until Austin came. I can't say I love him yet, but I am diffidently getting there. He means so much to me. So that is one of the things that has changed about me. Now another thing. My anxiety is back and I try pretty hard to keep control of the things around me so it doesn't get set off. Because my asthma is also acting up lately. I have problems breathing if I am laying on my side. If I have an anxiety/panic attack, then it will trigger my asthma. But so far I have done really good keeping them both under control. But some things still get to me a little more than usual and most of it is due to the fact that I am at home a lot, alone. I've never done good on my own. I usually always have to have someone around me. That's why I am basically living off of music right now. Anyway, the title says "Wanna help?" What I'm asking is, do you want to help me get through this? Do you guys have any tips for me to cope with everything that is going on? I don't know how much longer I can do this alone. Comment below if you can help. Love y'all and thank you all for keep reading my posts. XOXO

Poem #6

Oh Little Star
By: Amber Emmons
Oh little star
Who has fallen from the sky
All alone as everyone passes
All but I
Oh little star
Who is not a star at all
You flung yourself from the clouds
Wondering if anyone would catch your fall
Oh little star
Who felt out of place
But your smile is beautiful
So wipe those tears from your face
Oh little star
Who stumbles around broken and in pain
You can't take it anymore
And you feel like you're going insane
Oh littler star
You no longer have to feel alone
For I am here to show you the truth
You are a princess/prince looking for their throne
Oh little star
Who is not a star in the end
You are an angel
And a new life for you shall begin

Poem #5

Little Sparrow
By: Amber Emmons
Fret not little sparrow
Who has fallen from its nest
You fear what's at the bottom
And you think taking flight is best
As your tiny wings flap
And you become more desperate
The more you try, the more you fail
As this empty space is desolate
Gravity works against you
Pulling you closer to the ground
Things seem hopeless
A short life, you are bound
Fear has now consumed you
Throwing you into an abyss
 But then you remember
All the love you would miss
You try again, spreading your wings
You swallow the fear and refuse to cry
Fret not little sparrow
For you can now fly

Peom #4

A Human Thing
By: Amber Emmons
"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"
At least that's what we're told
But life is hard, it makes you ponder
About the truths untold
The "quest for knowledge is a search for truth"
But how do we decide
What is 'face' and what is 'fiction'
And which of these are right? From children we may grow up strong
And firm in our beliefs
Some may question, some may now
Each have their own relief
What is 'right' and what is 'wrong'?
Why do we exist?
What is the point? Is there one?
And who decides what lives?
S many questions, so many theories
Each with its own merit
To question 'why?', to question 'how?'
Is one thing we all inherit
We find our own way to get through life
To enjoy the ride it brings
I suppose our inquisitive nature
Is just a human thing

Poem #3

Dormit Wings
By: Amber Emmons
The wings that lay dormit
Will awaken with your dreams
So surrender yourself
And close your eyes
Believe in yourself and the dream
In which will help you take flight
If you can't do it alone
Take my hand and we'll fly together
I will show you the way
I will show you the path
So when I let go
You know where to go
Believe and don't give up on your dream
Don't cry if you get lost
I will always be on your side
So don't let go
Until you can fly
On your own
So paint your dream
The way you want
And when it's your time
You will help others to fly

Poem #2

Heros
By: Amber Emmons
You know that I try to be
All that I can
But there is a part of me
I still don't understand
Why do I only see
What I do not have
When my reality
Is really not that bad
Your faith has shown me that
When my world goes crazy
You won't let go
When the ground gets shaky
You give me one hope
When I try to push you away
You never move
Now I pass that doubt and
It helps me see
There's a faith, and love, and a power in me
You believe there ain't nothing I can't do
My hero is you

Poem #1

This poem, I wrote for my mom for mothers day a few years ago. She loved it and I wanted to share it with y'all.

Mom
By: Amber Emmons
A mother's love will last forever
A bond it can create
Some kids will care never
Then that bond will break
Me and you are different
We are there for each other
Time together we spent
We always have one another
We have a special bond
One no one can destroy
Love is an everlasting pond
The bond is not a toy
When in darkness I can hover
You save my life again
You are not just my mother
You are my best friend

Quote #9

"Sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary simply by doing them with the right people."
~Elizabeth Green

Quote #8

"It requires more courage to suffer than to die."
~Napolean Bonaparte

Quote #7

"It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Quote #6

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn the light on."
~Albus Dumbledore

Quote #5

"Dreams aren't what you leave behind when morning comes. They are the stuff that fill your every living moment."
~David Cuschien

Quote #4

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
~Dr. Seuss

Quote #3

"No matter how bad a situation may be. No matter how useless things may seem. No matter if you can see what's right or what's wrong, Things are not always as bad as one may see it to be. Things get hard, life gets tough, and you can be caught in a storm. But things get easier, the road smooths out, and there is always a rainbow and sunshine past the dark clouds. Just get past the bitter part in life. It may seem impossible, but it is easier to go on if you have someone you care for by your side. Things will always get better, just hold on a little longer. You'll see."
~Amber Malyn Emmons

Late update sorry

Hello all of my lovely followers. I am so sorry for not updating since May or whenever my late update way. But check this out. I GRADUATED!!! I am so happy I was able to do it. But I know that is no excuse for me not updating since it's already the end of summer break. My sisters are going back to school, but I am not. This summer I have stayed on my computer at home, being the nerd I am. I watch anime, play games, listen to music, roleplay, and edit pictures. I still have no excuse for my late updates, but I am truly sorry. I honestly forgot about my blog. But now that I have remembered and found it, I am going to keep it going :)
I am going to do a few posts tonight to make up for lost times and for the next few days since I am at the beach with my family in the campgrounds. It is my step moms birthday party, but it is also a family vacation for us. Even though we live down here in Conway, SC, we have never been to a campgrounds for just us. We've always just visited my aunt when she came down. It's nice to be here with just the family. I like the change of scenery from the house too. I've really only left the house a few times this summer. And it's not so hot down here at the beach either. Anyway, I am going to go do more posts for you beauties now. So until next time ^...^

I'm sorry

I am so sorry that I haven't been posting in the last week. My computer that the school gave me had broken and I had to turn it in. Also, I'm getting ready for exams since school is about to end. I meant to update every day, if not every couple days. Again, I am so sorry! Please forgive me everyone.

What I Like

Okay guys. So you know a lot about my past now. This post will be about what I like and what I like to do. I'll post pictures later on for you to refer back to after you read this. First off, I love sweets. Mostly lollipops. My favorite flavor is Watermelon, then Cherry. I also love to cuddle and I love sleeping with teddy bears. I also really love hugs. In my free time, I like to watch anime or play games (I'm an otaku and a gamer). Some of my favorite animes are Sword Art Online, Attack on Titan, Nura: Rise of the Yokai clan, Ghost Hunt, and others like that. Some of the games I like to play is World of Warcraft, Five Nights at Freddy's, and games on the PS3 or Xbox. When I'm not playing games or watching anime, I'm almost always listening to music when I'm not around others. I also like to draw, read, write poetry, write short stories, roleplay, edit pictures, and more. For my roleplays, I edit pictures to create my OCs (own characters). I rarely ever use a picture that hasn't been edited in some way. I draw pictures from anime characters, gaming characters, fairies, people, and more. A lot of my pictures are requests, but I always have fun doing them and I usually get them done fairly quickly. The most time it has taken me to work on a picture (pencil/colored pencil) is about 2 hours, though I can finish a picture within 20 minutes as well. It depends on how difficult it is or how busy I am. I have written stories on fan-fiction and stuff like that, but I have been working on an actual story for a while now and anyone who has read what I have so far thinks it's pretty cool. The pictures I edit now are all anime characters, but I use to edit normal pictures as well. I read a lot of manga and fiction. The book series that is currently my favorite is Maximum Ride, written by James Patterson. It is fun to read (both the novel and manga version) and the story line is amazing. I recommend it to anyone who likes a good fiction story. Well, anyway. That's all for now. I will have the pictures I promised in the next post. Love you all!

Quote #2

"As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better."
~Anonymous

Quote #1

"I don't like the terms 'good person' or 'bad person' because it's impossible to be entirely good to everyone or entirely bad to everyone. To some, you are a good person, while to others, you are a bad person."
~Armin Arlelt (Attack On Titan)

Thanks guys!

It has been exactly a week since I started this blog. This isn't a post about my life, but a thank you post. Because you guys have shared my blog some with others, I have 101 viewers right now. Now that may not seem like a lot, but to me it is. I am happy about it because this is my first blog. People say that the first 100 and the first 1,000 viewers are the best. Please continue to follow my blog and continue to share it with others. Maybe my blog can help someone somewhere. That is my goal. Anyway, thank you again guys! As always, feel free to comment on anything or ask me any questions. Email me anytime or comment on my posts. Either way is fine with me. I love you all! :)

2 year school miracle

Okay. So I was going to save my school story for later on, but I can't think of anything to write about today. So here is my school story. Because of my first surgery, my body was weak and my back couldn't be exposed to many things. I also couldn't wear pants for a while because of how low my scar goes. But I started my freshmen year of high school on the online school, K-12. Everyone says its amazing and that they recommend it, but I do not. I failed all the classes I took over K-12 because they lost the work I sent in either the sending period, or after they received it. I started back to regular school, but they had a teacher come out to the house to give me my work and stuff. I still failed my freshmen year. What was suppose to be my sophomore year (my 2nd freshmen year), I started off still taking the antibiotics in pill form. When I finished with my medicine, my immune system was really low, so I got sick really easily and quite often, so I missed a lot of school. I failed again that year, failure due to absences. A lot of stuff happened and I was forcibly taken form my mom and was sent to live with my dad in Conway, SC. It was only a few hours away, but it still killed me to not be able to see my mom every time I walk into a room (will talk about that in the next post). Anyway, I went to school again for the 3rd time as a freshmen when I was suppose to be a junior. My health was back to normal and my back was healed, so I was able to attend school regularly. My plan was to work hard and keep my grades up and do both freshmen and sophomore years work in that year and just be one year behind instead of three. When second semester started, I had to have a meeting with my dad, step mom and my school councilor. This was planned, so I didn't think twice about it. She explained that I succeeded my goal in doing my first two years of high school worth of work. I finished enough work to be considered a sophomore by the second quarter in the first semester. The third quarter started the second semester and I was then considered a junior. We weren't expecting it. I succeeded and passed my expectation. I was thrilled. I finished my third year of high school as a junior, just as I was suppose to. I was where I was suppose to be. But we can only take 8 classes in the school year, and I needed 9 credits. I was one class short of what I needed. I gave up my freedom that next summer and I dedicated it to taking an online course to get that missing credit. I chose my class to be Physical Education since I wasn't able to take gym due to my back. I passed it and I started my fourth year of high school as a senior. It was a year quicker than what we had planned, but I was where I was suppose to be. I am still currently in school and I graduate on June 3, 2015. I will graduate when I am suppose to and I accomplished the last two years with A-B Honor Roll. I am still maintaining good grades (though they drop every now and then, but I always bring them back up). I technically finished my schooling in just a 2 years time span. I never thought I would be able to accomplish something like this, but I did. It proves to people that anything can be achieved with hard work and dedication.

Daddy issues

I'm going to leave the part after my surgeries for a later post. Right now, let's go a little farther into my past. When I said that my mom wasn't able to take care of us and my dad worked a lot, that was true. But you see, there's more to the story than that. My dad had really bad anger issues. He still does, but they aren't as bad as what they use to be. He yelled a lot, hit walls, threw stuff, and threatened me, my mom, and my little sister. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of that man. Maybe that's one reason why I'm so obedient now-a-days. Who can tell for sure? Anyway, He very rarely ever put his hands physically on us because he still loved us. But that didn't stop the yelling and throwing things. I was terrified, yes. But only in the back of my mind. I have always been like this, putting others before myself. I don't mean to, it's kind of like my mind goes into overdrive and my emotions all shut down, all except one. My protective nature always increased. I never once cared what he did to me, as long as my younger sister was safe. That's all I cared about. Always have. Me and my sister don't get along and I honestly think she hates me. But if she needs me or if she's scared, I will always be there. I will always be the one to protect her. Just as I always have. When daddy would have his 'flips', I pulled my sister into the room and I held her close. If my dad got mad and we couldn't leave the room, I kept her behind me. I was never going to let him touch her. I still don't. One night (it was just a few years ago) my dad really flipped. I don't know what it was about, but I heard him and my mom yelling in the kitchen. I went to go get my sister, who was in her room. Her room was closer to the kitchen and I wasn't going to let him get to her. I got her in my room which was on the farthest room from the kitchen in the house. That night, my dad tried to kill my mom. That night, three phone calls were made to the police. That night, I called the cops on my own dad... But after that night, he hasn't blown up like that. Yeah he still yells, but he will never hurt anyone else. I don't know what set him off that night and I don't know why he went to such extremes. But one thing is for sure. I'm pretty sure that night made him better. He's not as mean. And I can talk to him. For the first time in my entire life, I have a father/daughter relationship with him. I never thought that I would have that. I'm greatful for it. Now, those who are reading this and think my dad is a horrible person, see it the way I do. I call the person he was back then 'bad daddy' and he doesn't care. He knows what he did was wrong. And he will never do it again. Who he is now is just 'daddy'. And I love that. He's not bad no more. He's better now. He's good :)

Surgeries

After the car crash I talked about in my previous post, we found that I had scoliosis. For those who don't know what that is, it's when the spine is curved. It's not uncommon, but in most cases, back braces can fix it and it isn't bad. When they found mine, we had no idea that I had it and no one knew how long I had it. My spine was curved into a backwards 'S'. It curved over my right shoulder blade and my left hip. Both curves were at least 60 degrees. That was just when they found it. The doctors knew that a brace wouldn't fix it, so they didn't even try. My birthday is May 27. My surgery was May 31, 2011, four days after I turned 14 years old. I was in the surgery for 10 1/2 hours and when I came out, I had a titanium rod on each side of my spine (2 total) and 52 bolts and screws holding it in place. Being face down for that long, there were risks. I could have come out blind, deaf, not able to speak. There was even a chance that I might not be able to walk again because they were messing with my spine. Well, I am able to talk and hear and see. I can still walk just like everyone else. My senses actually enhanced. I have great hearing and I have 20/20 vision. I stutter, but my mom says I always have. Nothing really changed. Except for one thing. I had amnesia. I can't remember anything from before my surgery except for a few things. I'm almost 4 years out now, and I still can't remember much. It drives me crazy. But none of this is bad. Not yet at least. Not until legions began to appear on my scar (runs from the base of my neck to the top of my tail bone, the entire length of my back). My mom panicked. She called my doctor and we had to go get tests done. These legions kept appearing along my scar for close to a month. Momma tried to keep my scar clean and she would help the legions to drain (green ooze came out). There were days when I would sit on her bed for hours and she would fill towels up until they were heavy with the liquid from the legions. We were on our way to the hospital on June 18th to get some blood tests done when my mom got a call from my surgeon. He told us that the mersa kit came back positive. Mersa is an infection that could kill someone if left in their body or attached to something vital, in my case, my spine. His next sentence got me terrified, "She has to go back into surgery tomorrow." We only had one days notice. We weren't expecting that. I kept blaming everyone, wondering why this had to happen to me. The next morning, we went to the hospital and I went back into surgery, this time only being 6 1/2 hours. The mersa had in fact attached itself to my spine and they had to scrap it off. I was in the hospital for another week before going home on IV antibiotics for 6 months, 3 times a day every day. I also had a drain at the base of my scar to help the rest of the infection get out of my body. When the 6 months finished, the drain and pick line (the IV in my right arm, had a line that went all the way to my heart) came out. Then I was on pill antibiotics, 3 times a day every day. I was lucky to survive all that. Especially since I was the first in 2 years of my surgeons patients to have developed mersa. But I did survive. And yes, I still have some complications and pain some days, I am still fighting,

Car wrecks

I'd be lying if I said I liked riding in a car. Truth is, I'm terrified. Unless I'm not feeling good or just plain exhausted, I can't even relax long enough to take a nap. I was in a car accident when I was little. It was raining, pouring so hard that you couldn't see very far in front of you even with your wipers on. You could only see the tail lights of the car in front of you, but it was still hard to see anything. My mom and dad had gotten into a fight and my mom took me and my younger sister and my younger sister with her to go to a friends house, but little did we know what we wouldn't make it there. We were in the passing lane at the time. The car hit a puddle and we hydroplaned... My mom luckily got control of the car when we got into the other lane. But then we hit another puddle. We went to the side and the car hit the side rail 3 times. Me and my younger sister was fine, I think my mom had whiplash, but I don't remember. A guy luckily saw us crash and he stopped and came into our car to sit with us until the ambulance came. It was nice of him and it was nice to have someone else there. It made things seem a little better. I remember the paramedics ask if the man was momma's husband, but he said no. That's all I remember of that car accident, but it traumatized me. I hate riding in rain and I am terrified of storms because of it too. There was another accident I was in when I was 13 years old. We were on our way to the lake during the summer when the back passenger tire blew out. For a second, we didn't know what happened. At least not until the car started going into the median of the interstate... It was the section of the median where it was a dip, a hill. I don't know exactly what happened since as soon as we started to go off the road, I grip the edge of the seat and I closed my eyes. I didn't open my eyes back up until a minute after the car stopped. My vision was blurry for a minute, and I found it hard to breath some. But soon, I saw that the windshield was cracked bad and there was red on it. I instantly started calling for momma and she said she was fine, that it was just her drink. My sister was beside me, but I couldn't look at her for a minute. The guy that was driving (my moms now ex) was pinned to his seat by the steering wheel. He broke it off and climbed through the window and limped up the hill to get help. Everything is fuzzy, but I still remember a sharp pain I felt in my side. I had a cut on my left shoulder, but it wasn't too deep. But I wasn't to move any to know what the pain in my side was. The guy was able to get a few people to help us, including a nurse who was off duty and saw the wreck. When the medics arrived (i think it was 2 or 3 ambulances i don't remember), they checked the driver and my mom before asking me and my sister if we were okay since we were in the back seat. They got my mom out of the car (which was actually an explorer) and then they got my sister out. I was the last one to get out since I was in the back driver seat. I was terrified and I was hurt. When they finally got me out and up the hill, I was in shock. I learned later that momma was the worst one off with a broken clavicle, either broken or cracked ribs (don't remember which one) and bad whiplash. My sister only came out with scraps and bruises and I was glad for that. I, however, had a cut on my shoulder and a rather large gash in my left side from the seat belt. My mom told me that the doctor said I was lucky to be alive. The seat-belt only came 4 mm from cutting into one of my main arteries. I could have died that day. If I had even moved wrong, I would have died. But I'm still here. I'm now paranoid of sitting in the back driver seat now because of it. I have scars where those cuts were now. But people say that behind every tragedy or disaster, a miracle is born. My mother feels that that car wreck, as bad as it was, was a good thing for us. Because when they gave me an X-ray at the hospital, they found that my spine was curved. I had scoliosis and we never even knew. If not for that accident, we may have never known about it. This particular point in my lift showed me that no matter how bad a situation is, it happened for a reason. Whether that reason is to find something that could kill you, or even just to teach you something about yourself. Everything happens for a reason. So no matter how bad something seems, don't just give up on everything. Because you never know how good things may get afterwards.

Learn a little about me

People are always wondering how I am always happy with all that I go through. When they learn my story, it makes them even more curious. I won't tell you how I am able to stay happy until later on. I want to know what y'all think first. Anyway, I didn't have an easy childhood. My mom was over 500 lbs and my dad worked a lot. I have a little sister who is 4 1/2 years younger than me. With my mom unable to move around much and my dad not home much, I had to step up as the oldest kid. I had to grow up too quick. Don't get me wrong, I didn't have to cook and I was still able to hang out with friends. But things were still hard. We didn't have a lot of money, momma and daddy fought a lot. And even if I was still able to have fun, I didn't have the luxury of having an actual childhood. Not one with both parents, not the happiest one. But I still feel like that helped me to be who I am now. Even though I'm only 17, I have made more grown up decisions than anyone my age should. I'm mature, I don't go off to a lot of parties with friends. I have a lot of friends who I hold dear and love very much, but I am different than them. I have gone through more in my 17 (almost 18) years of living than some people will go through their entire life. I'm not perfect. I haven't lived a perfect life. I don't have a perfect mind. But what I do have is a will. A will and a self determination that will get me anywhere in life I want to go. I won't give up and I won't let anyone beat me at my own game. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am me. And I am not ashamed of letting people know who I am. As I have said before, this blog was created so people can know my story. My life so far. I want to show others that it's okay to be yourself. It's okay be to scared, and to cry. And most importantly, that it's not okay to give up. Because that just means that you have let whatever has you down win. You can't let them win. This is your life. You game. Live the way you want and play by your own rules. Only you can determine your destiny. :)

Introduction

My name is Amber Malyn Emmons. I am currently a 17 year old high school senior, but will be turning 18 years old on May 27. I'm usually a happy and cheery person and I have a gift that I like to use. I can make people smile no matter how upset they are. I can also read people (easily able to tell what emotion they are feeling) and I can figure someone out and learn their weaknesses without them telling me much. A lot of people don't like that about me since I can tell if they are depressed or hiding something, but I use it to my advantage to make people happy. Truly happy. I don't like people to be upset and I worry about a lot of people. I'm a sensitive person and I am also a cry-baby. But I will always do whatever I can to keep people happy. Now that you know the easy basis of me, I hope you will continue to watch out for new updates on my blog. :)

WELCOME EVERYONE!

Hello everyone and welcome to my blog. This isn't a project for school or anything, I just like to blog. But there is a reason for creating this blog. I have many friends who go through depressions and stuff and a lot of people who meet me wants to know how I am able to deal with life and its problems so easily. But no one would be able to ever imagine what all I have gone through to get to where I'm at now. The purpose of this blog is to tell people my story. What I have gone through, my plans for the future, and who I am now. People think that its easy to give up, and yeah it is. But maybe knowing my story could help change the minds of some people. That's my goal at least. I will post stories about my life to begin with, but there will be days when there won't be a story, but a quote of a post of inspiration. It won't always be just my life. Anyway, hope you enjoy this and to those who will read my post, leave comments about anything. Ask me questions, leave a message, do whatever. I love all of y'all!